It’s been a hot minute (or two) since I last updated the blog. I wanted to write but then I didn’t. I wanted to WANT TO WRITE. There. That’s more accurate!
I was not only in a writing slump but it a life slump. Nothing seemed to interest me anymore. To make matters MUCH worse I beat myself up for feeling this way.
The daily challenges that come with existing (I have to pay x bill. I have to get x done etc…) where getting to me.
The only thing I found myself doing with any consistency was training. There was a possibility of a fight so I upped my pace. I began running – a lot, from basically no running to daily runs. Not a smart move kids. Not only was I mentally exhausted, now I had physically exhausted myself too.
A couple of weeks ago, after a night of hard sparring that didn’t go so well because of my exhaustion, I knew it was time for a change. I had been putting too much pressure on myself which was only leading to inactivity at one end and overwork on the other. When it came to creative work, I was procrastinating. While when it came to Muay Thai, I was overtraining. I was anxious nonetheless.
That weekend I decided I needed some TLC. I was going to do exactly what I wanted to do even if that resulted in doing absolutely nothing at all. It was time to let go of the pressure, to let go of the “should’s” and “shouldn’t do’s.””
I should run every day.
Actually, I shouldn’t be training every day.
I should be spending my time looking for a new job instead.
I should update the blog.
I shouldn’t eat that.
I should eat this.
It is hard to operate with nagging, often contradictory, expectations filling your heard. The worst part is the judgmental feelings that arise when you fail to fulfill all those should’s and shouldn’t’s.
I spent that weekend resting, judgment free. I’m striving to carry that mindset forward. I’m doing my best to live everyday with ease. When the anxiety starts to feel overwhelming it’s an alarm reminding me to check in with myself and see what thoughts or actions are no longer serving me. Release the judgment. Release the “should’s” and “shouldn’t do’s.” Move with ease.