Another year, another birthday, another 12 months of gaining just a little more wisdom. My birthday was last month (shout out to all you fellow cray cray cancers out there) and I spent most of it in bed thanks to a particularly terrible case of sinusitis. There was a lot more reflecting then partying this birthday which is totally cool because reflection is way more aligned with my personality. And that’s really what I feel this past year has been about for me: learning to unconditionally accept and love who I am. My goal for this new year of life is to take that personal growth one step further and turn that acceptance into even more action.
I came to the realization that I am too old not to be living 100% authentically. In other words, this year I am going to do whatever the heck I want to do. How revolutionary! Over the past 12 months I have taken huge (and frankly pretty freighting) steps in the direction of doing just that. I decided not to go back to grad school. I started training Muay Thai seriously. I quit my full time job pursue my creative passions. In the past I have spent way too much time fighting myself and trying to suppress my true nature.
I have a creative and bohemian soul. That’s just the way I am and there’s nothing wrong with that. And boy did I spend so much time thinking that there was. For so long, I spent so much time trying to find self-worth through my academic accomplishments and I excelled in that arena. When I dropped out of grad school it felt like a failure, like I had given up, even though I didn’t decide to leave because of the rigors of grad life. I left because I wasn’t happy.
I was scheduled to start up grad school again this past fall. but after many tears and anxiety filled nights, I actually listen to my intuition and decided not to go back. I have so many friends graduating from and attending prestigious grad programs and law schools. I see what they are doing and for a brief moment, I feel like a bum, but then I quickly snap out it. It’s awesome that they’re out there doing their thing but that’s just not me. That type of lifestyle and career path just doesn’t fulfill me and that’s okay.
I love creating things, which is why I was attracted to pursing a post-grad degree in architecture in the first place. However, I’ve realized just like a conventional 9 to 5 office job doesn’t feel right to me neither does attending a traditional intuition of higher learning.
Along with a creative bohemian soul, I have an entrepreneur spirit and that’s okay too. (How many times am I going to say that to myself? Until I freakin’ believe it!) I want to be my own boss. I’m still trying to figure out how to make my creative pursuits financially viable. While my income isn’t steady the way it was when I had a full time job, I can honestly say I have never been happier in my life.
So on my birthday, as I lay feeling physically sick, I lamented how long it had taken me to truly start embracing my artistic yearnings. How many years had I wasted struggling with my own desires? But just like I have finally accepted my nature, I have to accept my journey. I am where I’m suppose to be. So with that, here’s to continuing to walk in my truth.